WHEN YOU CHEAT ON HER: A LIFELINE

So your wife caught you kissing and smooching   Sussie at the back seat of your car in front of Boiling Point Motel  around 10:38 pm when you have already lied to her that you have been stuck in traffic for three hours at Challenge Roundabout. 

She was just coming from the family hospital at Orita where she took Omolola who got sick all of a sudden that evening and she had to rush her to the hospital with public transport as she could not find the car keys and she didn't want to wait any longer. She didn't want to lose a child. She just dropped with Omolola from the cab on her way back and it was you she saw 'making it nasty' with  Sussie in your back seat. 
She has stepped out and guided Omolola to a safe spot near the car. She is now screaming in an uncontrollable loud voice and she has removed her scarf and tied it around her waist ready to rip Sussie into shreds and feed her flesh to Freaky, your fierce Alsatian at home. People have gathered to avoid missing the showdown. Some have grabbed their phone as usual to capture this memorable moment and upload it on Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook. Cameras are now flashing and you are almost feeling like a star. The camera lights from these unsolicited paparazzo are delusory, almost making you feel like a star. But you are back to your senses and in the realization that you are in soup!
You are now scared to death, you are no more bothering about Sussie again but about what will become of you when you and your wife gets home. She has slapped Sussie and dealt her some TKO punches in the muddy water beside the road and you are now wondering where she learnt how to box. Was she sneaking out to learn it, expecting this will happen and she will need it someday? But she used to be a very good, calm girl na?

Now she has left Sussie and snatched the car key from you without saying a word to you but giving you a killer look that could explode the World Trade Center, dry all the water in the Atlantic Ocean and put Kilimanjaro asunder and also melt diamond! The look was was everything evil could define and now you know you are doomed as you sheepishly went to sit at the back seat because you don't dare sit beside her. She could feel like biting you and lose control of the steering wheel and swerve into Molete River and both you and your first and only child will drown and die there and your story will be on the headlines the next day as "Ibadan Cheating Husband Caused the death of his Family".
So to avoid this, you sat at the back for peace to reign. You love peace so much and you hate violence and you are a gentle man. Omolola is at the back with you crying as she was very scared. The poor 6 year old has never seen her mother in that mood before. She has never also seen her father kissing and smooching another woman before, only her Mum, a couple of careless times at home. You are just there looking for your defences, scheming and strategizing on how to get out of this safely. You are now confused. You feel like stopping the world and rewinding it. You now wished you never met this devilish Sussie two nights ago at your friend's birthday party.
You are in deep thoughts...

You don't have to worry, I am here for you. I am your fellow compatriot. I have everything in control and in place. I understand your situation and I realise you are not a bad guy and your wife is just being a freak, for no big reason.

Now you are home and she has put Omolola to sleep and she is now in the room with you changing her clothes and not talking to you. She didn't even say a word about it to you and now you are scared she may wake up in the midnight and stab you with the kitchen knife.

Go meet her and hug her, being very careful.

First of all, tell her that it was the usual guy who is at work here. Tell her the devil wants to break you guys apart. Tell her it is not what she thinks. Tell her it was a coincidence. Don't bother about the fact she caught you red-handed. Misconceptions do happen.

Narrate to her how Sussie, now Mary, who is your co-worker from another branch of your company has been sick and you had to drive her home.
Tell her about how you wanted to help her get some food as she needed to take drugs.

Tell her you were not kissing but just talking to her. Beg her that you are sorry for sitting so close, that you didn't mean it that way. Tell her you were helping Mary to kill a mosquito on her cloth blouse at that point she saw you two.

Also tell her she is just insecure as she has always been before marriage.
This line will be fine, "Cheaters think everyone else cheats, know that!"

Telling her how much you love her reminding her of a particular time she cheated 15 years ago too (I don't care if that is totally cooked up) will be a perfect 'stale mate'...

Go on your knees and grab her by the skirt.
Some tears or 'saliva quickly rubbed as UH' will be a final deadly blow.

You can do it, I believe in you.

Yours Supportive
Fellow Yoruba Demon

Cc: Association of Cheating Husbands.

By Abayomi Ahmed.